Ever since the first leg of The Eras Tour concluded in Vancouver, Canada on Dec. 8 of last year, lifelong Swiftie Superfans have worried that they would never get to see the iconic popstar on stage again. But this last January, Taylor Swift announced on Instagram that it was only the end of the tour on Earth, and we “best believe she’s still bejeweled” from the stars.
“After using her private jets for so long, she couldn’t believe it hadn’t occurred to her to go all the way to the moon,” Swift’s agent commented. “Like in ‘Despicable Me,’ except we’re not stealing it. Anyway, we thought it would be a good way to expand our reach. Let those **** at SpaceX know who’s really in charge.”
The tour began on Feb. 1 on the International Space Station, and she has performed on the moon, Mercury, Venus and on the surface of the sun itself! In fact, Swift shone so brightly that the entire sun was blocked out for approximately two hours, causing temperatures at a record low and mass paranoia throughout the planet Earth. Of course, all evidence of this was erased by President Donald Trump, having called it liberal propaganda created by the “hateful transgenders” as he calls them. I believe Rammy, who uses he/they pronouns and has famously dated both the Blue Hen and the Philly Phanatic, would have some choice words to say to the president.
“The concert was really such an amazing experience,” says Will Brown, a freshman and nutrition major at WCU. “And the private jets really do the job! I only had to quit my job and withdraw from the semester for the three-month flight! So worth it!”
With tickets starting at only $899,999,999,999, it is an all-inclusive package which includes space transport, room and lodging, food and parking. The flight functions as a cruise, complete with a pool, bar, casino and arcade. They even make stops — though it’s hard to find one-day vacation destinations in the vacuum of space, so most of the time they just stare at random space trash and dissociate. While this luxurious experience is obviously unaffordable to many, fans have been able to stream the tour via TikTok thanks to our WCU attendees, who get a $899,999,999,998 discount, all thanks to Taylor Swift’s opener… Rammy!
As we all know, Rammy collaborated with Swift on her last album, “The Tortured Poets Department,” in the highly relatable song, “Fresh Out the Slammer.” This was a way to advertise his debut album, “Ramuel,” which was inspired by his messy breakup with the Philly Phanatic. From the catchy single “Banana Day B*tch” to “Damn, to be a Ram,” the album truly has it all, and Swift herself has gone on record to acknowledge this:
“That was one of the… albums I’ve listened to, for sure. To be honest, I think he was the only person – does he count as a person? Anyway, he was the only… musician…. willing to open for me in space, which I really appreciate. Though I kinda wish it was someone else, Lucy Dacus, maybe? Yeah, don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate it! The West Chester students sure are something as well. I had no idea so many people had such a positive opinion about a mascot. I’m kind of impressed! And scared! Should I be scared?”
Dacus and her now-girlfriend, Julien Baker, have declined to comment, probably because they are — and rightfully so — bullying Matty Healy off of Twitter again.
Concert goers have reported that Rammy is known for doing tricks and stunts in his opening performances, including but not limited to: tarot card readings, doing flips and “parkour” as they call it, seeing how many bananas he can eat, crying after eating too many bananas, accidentally slipping on bananas and having to go to the hospital — or the hospital equivalent, since it’s space — after slipping on too many bananas.
Since he was recently canonized as a saint by the Vatican two years ago, as we all know, some are worried about his behavior affecting the Catholic Church. Pope Francis was so worried, actually, that his panic over the ram sent him into an illness that almost led to death.
“Maybe I should’ve made the Philly Phanatic a saint instead,” says the Pope. “But I’m definitely getting tickets to the concert!”
The Dalai Lama has also confirmed he will be an attendee, having established himself as a Rammy superfan, and has challenged Pope Francis to a duel to figure out who loves Rammy more. He has declined to comment.
Future tour locations include Mars, the asteroid belt, Jupiter (where you get more stupider), Saturn, Io, Europa, Neptune, Pluto and Uranus (lol). “You’re on Your Own, Kid” is going to be played as a surprise song every single time in honor of everyone who went into debt to go to this tour.
Emily Rutz is a first-year English major. ER1034711@wcupa.edu