Fri. May 17th, 2024

This past weekend, history was made when Pope Francis, sovereign pontiff of Rome, bestowed sainthood upon the first ever still-living individual. According to traditional Catholic law, saints are normally not canonized until at least five years after their death, and even then, the process of confirming a candidate’s worthiness is long and tedious. 

Typically, sainthood is a three-step journey. First, the deceased nominee must be deemed “Venerable,” or worthy of admiration. The Venerable individual possesses “heroic virtue,” meaning that they have to some degree touched and bettered the lives of those around them.

Then, if the Vatican Tribunal finds that the candidate has performed one or more miracles, they may earn the promotion to “Blessed.” Only a chosen few reach the final stage of sainthood. In the case of West Chester’s beloved Golden Ram, however, the decision to canonize was a simple one.

“You might call the fashion in which we moved through this appointment unorthodox,” says Mario von Luigi, head of the Vatican Council. “We have skipped most of the usual prerequisites. But then again, this candidate has been most unusual.”

The Council came to the conclusion that since Ramuel Chester is not genetically a human, the normal conditions of canonization were unnecessary. Yet our newest saint does meet all of the appropriate criteria: over their lifetime of civic works, Ramuel has had a positive influence on countless West Chester students and community members. They have brought smiles to thousands of faces, cheered on our sports teams season after season and attended every ribbon cutting, graduation ceremony and performance in the history of the school. 

A new canonization has not occurred since last year, with Saints Artemide Zatti and Giovanni Battista Scalabrini. 

“I’m sure those two did plenty of good works as well,” comments religious scholar and YouTube sensation Bible Bob. “But did either of them take a lifelong vow of silence? Saint Ramuel has never uttered so much as a peep. His level of self-control and introspection is unmatched.”

“When you look at the qualities we look for in a saint… Ramuel exceeds every category,” added His Holiness Pope Francis when interviewed on Bible Bob’s podcast. “The Church has not seen anyone who upholds the pillars of fruitful living so fully in a long while, maybe ever.”

These sought-after attributes include prudence, justice, temperance, courage, faith, hope and charity. Our 150-year-old mascot certainly displays each with awe-inspiring dedication, so much so that even the non-Christian community has begun to take notice.

“I would be more than willing to step down from my position so that he could replace me. We all have a lot to learn from the Ram,” says current Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso.

The Smithsonian Institute is also rumored to be choosing a new Wonder of the World this year, according to an Instagram Story posted last week. West Chester students walking along Church Street on Saturday may have seen National Geographic photographers clustered around the Old Library. Could it be that our very own Rammy statue will be named eighth Wonder?

Banana Day, planned for April 19, will be doubling as a canonization celebration this year. The event’s highly coveted commemorative t-shirts are to be blessed by our resident saint, so be sure to get your hands on one.

 

DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Quak, a satirical series of articles that are released in commemoration of April Fools Day.


Hannah Linkowsky does not attend West Chester University. We are not sure how she has gained access to this publication. HL977843@wcupa.edu.

 

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