Image: This image was created as a parody for The Quak.
In a press conference late Monday morning, President Joe Biden made a surprising announcement. Wearing an ill-fitting t-shirt which read, “I paused my game to be here,” the president revealed that his campaign would be collaborating with the popular online video game, “Fortnite.” “Look, folks, I know a lot of you think that I’m old and out of touch. But in reality, I love TikTok and rizz just as much as all you youngsters!” said Mr. Biden, clearly reading a script someone else had written for him. “I especially enjoy hopping on Fortnite with my boys Barack and Bernie!” When reached for comment, Senator Sanders replied, “I have no idea what he’s talking about. What’s ‘Fortnite’?”
Continuing his address, the president said, “This is why I’m hyped AF (he pronounced the two letters individually) to announce my administration’s new collaboration with Epic Games and ‘Fortnite’.” President Biden revealed a number of in-game items and features that are coming as a part of the event, which will launch on April 16. Players will be able to purchase a Joe Biden character skin, allowing gamers to get a Victory Royale as the sitting U.S. president. Vice President Kamala Harris will also receive a skin, according to Mr. Biden. “Wooooooooow,” commented VP Harris when asked about the collaboration. “How fun is that? That’s just so much fun.” The “Biden Bundle,” as the president described it, will also come with a chocolate chocolate chip ice cream cone, “Back Bling,” an homage to his well-documented love for the sweet treat.
Fortnite will also be adding a limited-time game mode, called “Ridin’ with Biden.” In this game mode, players must solve complex societal issues through extensive and detailed congressional processes, such as environmental reform and health care policy. Instead of crowning the winner with a Victory Royale like in the original game, the only winner in “Ridin’ with Biden” will be the American people, says the president. Although some players have expressed uncertainty that this new mode will be fun or engaging in any way, the president has high hopes. “I know that the people of Fortnite will come together and have the conversations this country needs,” he elaborated. “I couldn’t think of a more lucid and logical community than that of gamers.”
Following this press announcement, we reached out to President Biden’s general election challenger, Donald Trump, for comment. “Sleepy Joe, that’s what I call him — he hasn’t won a single game of ‘Fortnite’ in his entire life. Very sad. Everybody knows that ‘Apex Legends’ is better, anyways. Many people are saying this,” fired off Mr. Trump. “Unlike Sleepy Joe, I sell useful things, like sneakers and bibles. I love Jesus very strongly, I really do,” said the former president, before launching into a 15-minute tirade describing what he would do if he were in Jesus’ shoes. “Well, they wouldn’t have had me on a cross, I can tell you that much,” he elaborated. Our interview with Mr. Trump ended when he began slurring his words and eventually asked where the nearest McDonald’s was, because he “really wanted a Quarter Pounder.”
It has yet to be seen what, if any, political benefits President Biden will reap from his “Fortnite” collaboration as he runs for reelection this fall. Regardless of video game skins or Bibles, however, this will surely be a riveting election as America decides which 80-year-old white man will be their next leader. Democracy at work.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Quak, a satirical series of articles that are released in commemoration of April Fools Day.
Carlo Constantine is a second-year Political Science major. CC1031591@wcupa.edu
Wow. This is so epic. I can’t wait to spend more of my hard-earned money on v-bucks so that I can get sick victory royales with the official Joe Biden skin.