Mon. Apr 15th, 2024

If I could redo college, I probably would’ve gone to an entirely different school.

I’d either be home in my sanctuary and surrounded by comradery that allows me the ability to get a hug from my mother daily instead of weekly or monthly. 

I could’ve gone to Virginia, which would’ve been farther yet closer to who I am. My southern roots came crawling from the earth to ground me and yet I went flying towards the sun. Much like Icarus, I found my wings clipped with no ground to hold me. 

Even if I still went here, I should’ve kept my head down. Kept to my studies. Kept to my money. Little to no responsibilities. And a lot more time. I reflect on the lost time as distant memories no matter the minutes that have passed.

Should’ve stayed in my other major, would’ve been smooth sailing with no midterms or final exams. No jammed interviews or rushed essays. Words jumbling in my head and spill out of my mouth but never my hands. I wouldn’t have needed to find the right words, and I don’t always have them. And I shouldn’t have tried chasing them.

Shouldn’t have involved myself. No pressure, more composure. I would’ve been catching up on my rest instead of putting on a smile in front of strangers. Instead of presenting in front of strangers. Trying to find community amongst strangers. 

I feel like a stranger in a room I paid for. 

I feel like a stranger in a class that I’m paying for.

If I could do it over, then there would be the never.

Never knowing what could’ve been or should’ve been or would’ve been

And yet, I’m still stuck with the never even as I type this now. 

Because I’ll never know. And I’ll never be able to know.

And you’ll never know what you don’t know.


Shelby Lewis is a fourth-year English major with a minor in journalism.  

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