Op-ed Quak

Quak: College of the Arts sells parking garage as avant garde art piece

On March 33, 2019, the fine arts department sold the parking garage in M Lot for 1.3 million dollars. The buyer described the piece as, “a refreshing take on the industrial changes of our modern world.” Essentially, it’s functional art, although, all its functionality is being removed when he removes it from campus.

I was just moved by the duality of man that the piece presented. It really captured the existential essence of existence, essentially.

Doctor Professor Mister Manheim-Manheim-Guerrerro-Robinson-Zilberschlag-Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuack stated, “It’s so great to see the art department thrive because our college could use more funding, you know?” Manheim-Manheim-Guerrerro-Robinson-Zilberschlag-Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuack is known for pursuing different grants and budget requests. Instead of allotting funds to student supplies like paint, French paper, charcoal, sketchbooks, drawing tablets, and new Macbook and printer ink.

This has nothing to do with the article, but please bask in the glory of our brave writer.

Messie T. Lioma, fine arts major at West Chester University, stated, “You know, people are upset and they don’t understand. I don’t think much of the students on our campus have a high enough IQ to understand the depth of the piece; you can’t spell artkitect without art.”

In response to the further decrease of parking options and opportunities on campus, the University installed more bike racks. The Center for Health and Wellness adopted the removal of the parking garage as part of the “Get Well or Go to Heck” movement. The leader of the movement, Melanie Mump, spoke, “It’s a great way to encourage exercise!”

Thoc Morton, sophomore skateboarding major at West Chester University, contradicted Mump’s positive outlook on a negative situation, “Man, I’m just pissed,” Morton sighs. “Students can’t park there anymore. I have to skateboard to school, which is fine, I like skateboarding, but I live in Malvern; it takes me 49 minutes to get to West Chester University. I don’t need THAT much exercise, right?”

Next Friday, the buyer will be on campus for the removal process of the piece to relocate it to his hometown; the buyer preferred to remain anonymous, but to give full disclosure: the buyer is Mahks Juhmeez. The M Lot parking garage will be uprooted and towed by truck to Reading, PA.

Bristin Bagas can be reached at kikibunny01@yahoo.com   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

This article is a part of The Quak, our annual April Fool’s satire issue.

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