Photo courtesy of Evan Madden.

I often hear men complain about the complexity of women. Their biggest complaint is, “We don’t know what women want!” In order to make dating easier for our male audience, I compiled a comprehensive list of things that are sure to make any woman swoon. And while I admit these are a bit biased, this list has some universal themes that are guaranteed to help you in your next romantic adventure.

Confidence:

Confidence is a no-brainer. Women love men who are confident enough to face down any foe, and saying things like “how do you like that silver?” will make the fight even more glorious. Take pride in your abilities, and be sure to use them as you level up in the game of life. Nothing is more impressive than a long list of completed quests!

An Inquisitive Nature:

Knowing what you stand for is an important trait. It’s crucial to set time aside for self-reflection and ponder life’s most difficult questions. Women like men who think about the nature of morality and question whether greater or lesser evils really exist. If you are a true philosopher, you may conclude that lesser, greater and middling evil is all the same, and if forced to pick between the lesser and the greater, you’d rather not choose at all.

Wisdom:

A good advice-giver is hard to find. If you can dole out words of wisdom, consider yourself lucky. While it’s important to be young at heart, many women are looking for someone on the mature side in order to gain all the benefits of an enlightened partner. Mental maturity comes with age, and sometimes you have to reach 100 to be the kind of sage we are looking for.

Fatherliness:

Many women love when a man is good with kids, so don’t be afraid to act like a dad! There are few things that we love more than watching a man and a child form a strong bond, and if this child is bound to you by fate and the Law of Surprise, then that’s even better! Make sure you are there for them in every way, training them in combat, tracking them across the continent and accepting their various phases and flaws. Love your adopted child like they are your own flesh and blood, and we will love you more for it.

Sense of Style:

Women like when men have a unique sense of style. We don’t want you to be like everyone else; we want you to be yourself! You should never feel obligated to wear certain brands of clothing or conform to fashion trends. If you have white hair as the result of a mutation, rock it! If you have cat eyes that allow you to see in near darkness, rock it! If you have countless scars from slaying Drowners and Drones, then rock it! At the end of the day, we want to see you be yourself. Stand out with a style that is uniquely you and watch the women come running.

Cool Nicknames:

Nicknames say a lot about a person, and an impressive array of epithets are a great indicator of the perfect man! Your nicknames should indicate who you are and what you strive for, and in this day and age, names like “Captain” or “Chief” will simply not do. Anything along the lines of “White Wolf” or “Butcher of Blaviken” is acceptable, and as you may note, alliteration is recommended!

Two Swords:

Girls love men with two swords! It’s just a fact. Bronze is okay, iron is better, but silver and steel are the absolute best! Swords represent power, authority, strength and courage. And when it comes to slaying monsters, two is better than one.

Can Cast Simple Spells:

Don’t worry, men, these don’t have to be intricate! Simple signs like Aard, Igni, Axii, Quen and Yrden are just enough to make your dream woman take interest. Few things impress women as much as real life magic, and shooting fire from your hands and laying magical traps are great places to start.

Have a Theme Song:

Having a great theme song will truly set you apart from your competitors! Your song should be about two minutes and 22 seconds in length, and it should evoke passionate feelings of amazement and admiration. Great instruments to include are violins and flutes, and feel free to take it up a notch with Slavic instruments like the Hemenche, Hurdy-gurdy and lute. With the right theme song, you can slay any beast, and the epic proportions of your new track will make you irresistible.

Be Geralt of Rivia:

This one is harder to accomplish, but perhaps the most important point of all. Undergo mutations, become a master Witcher, and acquire incredible strength, speed, sight and healing abilities to truly make yourself the most marvelous man alive. If you want to impress her enough, there are no boundaries, and becoming Geralt of Rivia is a guaranteed way to win your heart’s desire.

This article is a part of “The Quak,” our annual April Fool’s satire issue.