Wed. Jul 17th, 2024

And now ladies and gentlemen, for my final trick I shall require a volunteer from the audience. Now, now don’t fret. You won’t have to endure me attempting to saw you in half. You will, however, have to spend the entire summer with me as my intern thanks to my newly formed Colin McGlinchey Internship Program. Be warned though, this amount of time spent with me has been known (in certain extreme cases) to cause people to volunteer to saw themselves in half.

I’m not seeing many volunteers. Oh well. The option remains on the table. You better act fast though; your time is certainly limited. For yours truly, graduation looms just around the corner like a horrible specter bringing with it naught but unemployment and uncertainty.

My future’s so bright that I gotta wear. night vision goggles. If you’re able to complete that thought with “shades” then I applaud you. You must not be an English major with a minor in journalism. You must have selected a practical career path which will offer you a pay check as well as a chance at upward movement. Please accept this bag with a dollar sign on it as my gift to you.

I assure you that I will not be needing it.

What am I doing? Now is not the time for pessimism. It is my last editorial as The Quad’s Editor in Chief! My last month in college! This is a time for celebration, a time to look back fondly at the many things that I’ve accomplished during my five years trolling through Pennsylvania’s higher education system.

West Chester University, for all its faults (and there are many of them), has been good to me. I’ve made some wonderful friends, had a little more than half a dozen very talented professors and occasionally even took a class that I learned something from.

Of course, I was also forced to take four terms of Spanish for some utterly inconceivable reason. I am proud to stand here before you today and say that I currently speak less Spanish then I did when I started here at WCU. Mission accomplished!

Outside of that, my problems with WCU have always stemmed from its annoying habit of throwing money at problems as opposed to actually solving them. What’s that you say? Our students have no school spirit? Well go out and buy some then! What else? Students are too lazy to park in Q Lot or the undeniably creepy R Lot even though they are never even close to full? Get me a parking garage post haste!

Granted the only way to solve certain problems is to throw money at them. Like Ruby Jones Hall, which is in danger of falling down the next time a large, angry wolf happens to stroll through campus. Or Main Hall, the sight of which is so ugly that it has been known to cause nausea and cramping. Or the fact that the first floor of said building has smelled like a public bathroom for several months now.

Solve these problems! Please! Throw all the money that you would like to at them. Just please stop trying to buy loyalty from your students or worse, finding grievous problems where there are only minor inconveniences.

Trust me WCU. I know all about wasteful spending. I used to go to Drexel University. A place where the idea of spending money intelligently is laughed at just like I was when I told people that I went there for anything besides engineering.

Ah boy. I will miss writing these. Oh well, as I said, things weren’t all bad here. You could certainly do far, FAR worse when picking a college (Drexel, much?). WCU was always a good sport, taking my incessant nitpicking in stride. It’s almost as if they weren’t paying any attention at all. hmm.

Keep the internship in mind won’t you? It will mostly involve sitting and listening to me rant about things since I will no longer have this forum at my disposal. Considering my poor career choices, it goes without saying that it will be an unpaid internship.

Thanks for reading my nonsense here every week. This has been fun. As the noted scholar Keanu Reeves once said, vaya con dios.

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