Thu. Jun 30th, 2022

Let it snow? I feel like the weather gods— Hurricane Schwartz and Cecily Tynan among others— have taken that statement a bit too seriously lately. Just like everything else in the world, snow works best in moderation. The only exception to this rule is, of course, Johnny Depp. No moderation required there.

If you were to force me to use Facebook terminology to describe my relationship with snow, I’d have to go with “it’s complicated.” Of course, since my Facebook account is set to Pirate English, it would actually read something like “’tis a long tale.”

Back in the day, snow and I were tight. We used to hang out all the time, cruising for ladies, getting into mischief and basically doing all the things that guys do when chumming around with precipitation.

And we had some times. Anymore, well snow and I don’t get along too much. Most of this is my fault. I’m not sure if you’re aware of this or not, but I have the disposition of a 90-year-old man.

I don’t like change, things people find fun scare the dickens out of me and I HATE skateboards. Also, I say things like dickens.

Snow used to be great. It was the bringer of two-hour delays or, better yet, the coveted snow day. Snow was like rain’s cooler older brother.

If you’re one of those types who does better with visuals, allow me to explain.

Snow and I used to run towards each other across a field in super slow motion while the song “Happy Together” by The Turtles played in the background. Now that I’m an old man in a young man’s body, it’s more like I slip and fall and then contract pneumonia while snow laughs maniacally and the song “Du Hast” by Rammstein plays.

Snow just seems to fit into the range of minor irritant to dangerous menace. I wager that anyone who has ever endured the helpless feeling of sliding across a sheet of black ice knows what I’m going on about.

In case you missed it, WCU has been blanketed by literally 14 feet of snow over the last week thanks to two separate storms. Never one to act hastily in these situations, WCU did the sensible thing and only partially dug out after the first storm. Parts of campus were cleared, while others were only given the illusion of being cleared and in reality were covered in a thick sheet of ice.

Just as WCU was about to start dealing with the skating rink that had replaced South Campus, another storm swooped in and covered the ice with snow. The circle of life in action, I suppose. At least the snow provided some traction. Even better it allowed for residents to walk out of their apartments without fear of being swarmed by confused toothless men who assumed that the NHL Winter Classic was back for round two.

I’m not really sure why WCU thought it was a good idea to allow the ice to melt on its own. Especially considering the fact that, as little as a week earlier, everyone’s steps and pathways were coated in salt a few inches thick in response to a minor storm. Maybe WCU was afraid the salt was going to go bad (a.k.a. turn into pepper, look it up) and so they decided not to save any of it for the “Day After Tomorrow” snowfalls which followed that initial light dusting.

So as I dug my car out of literally 47 feet of snow with only a bucket, some elbow grease and the strength of Schwarzenegger in his prime, I couldn’t help but think of my strained relationship with the stuff. It seems to me that once you are responsible for getting yourself from point A to point B, snow becomes more of a nuisance than a novelty. As long as you can rely on things like school buses or parents to get you where you need to go, let it snow! But once you have to make your way to the bus stop to wait for the Septa bus that may never come or, worse, get behind the wheel of a gas-powered, no traction death trap, the appeal is lost.

And who doesn’t hate it when snow starts canceling your social engagements? Cancel all the classes that you would like, but don’t you dare interfere with my trips home to play “NHL 10” and watch “Dexter” season three! Have you no shame?

Snow, I’ll miss you buddy, but like so many childhood friends, we just grew apart.

You were always a bad influence on me anyway.

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