In today’s political climate, we hear a lot about the redistribution of wealth and how it is unfair that “the rich get richer while the poor get poorer.” The real inequality that is much more tragic, however, is the unequal distribution of hair follicles atop the heads of men and (to a much lesser extent) women.
For example, Andrew Napolitano’s hairline seems to be creeping downward while our poor friend Alan Colmes recedes even further back. Napolitano is the world’s only guy who has a proceeding hairline and he is the envy of the hair loss community. And what did Andrew Napolitano or guys like Sean Hannity do to deserve their thick hair with low, straight, hairlines? Nothing. They won the genetic lottery. Meanwhile, millions of other men are not so fortunate and, by genetic fate, are “follicularly challenged.”
The common people think of hair loss as a sign of age but that is not really the case. The most unlucky men start balding before they turn 18 and are usually completely bald, save for the dreaded “horseshoe” of hair that survives. And even the horseshoe hair and the nape hair will thin out significantly in the most severe cases of androgenic alopecia (male pattern baldness). Millions of men don’t go completely bald but receding hairlines are tragically common.
A man’s hair deeply affects his life. This is hard for the “follicularly gifted” men to appreciate because they take their full heads of hair for granted while their balding counterparts are stuck trying to style their hair with a thinning patch in the crown and a receded hairline. Worst of all, society mocks them for their hair loss. It’s all a big joke, except to the man who is losing his hair. Then, if balding men try to do anything to stop or reverse their hair loss, they get mocked even more. Simply put, society is cruel to balding and bald men. There is only one bald man that I can think of who is glad to be bald: Jason Alexander. If he wasn’t so badly balding at a young age, he would have never landed his role as George on the sitcom Seinfeld–Larry David would not have allowed a non-balding guy to be his character.
Every balding man’s life would be much better with a full head of hair. It really means a lot and there is philosophical significance to hair loss, in that it does so deeply affect one’s life. The lives of millions of young balding men would be substantially better if they did not suffer from androgenic alopecia. Sure, it bothers some men more than others but, let’s face it, no guy with a full head of hair is likely to say “you know what would be great? If I started going bald.” Likewise, few bald men, no matter how well they handle their hair loss are likely to turn down a full head of hair if God offered to make it miraculously appear atop their heads.
I could ramble on and on about this forever but I have a solution: redistribute hair. That’s right, Sean Hannity, Andrew Napolitano, and Brett Baier-give up those follicles. You don’t need them but many other men do. Until the government forcefully takes a high percentage of these men’s hair follicles and gives them to less fortunate men, there will be no such thing as social justice. Money helps a person who knows what he or she is doing live a happy life. But how can you live a happy life without that thick, full head of hair and straight hairline, perfect for that powerful side-part slicked back look? How are balding and bald men supposed to compete with men with full heads of hair for jobs and women?
By redistributing hair follicles from men with an abundance of follicular units to men that are bald or balding, we can even the playing field dramatically. Furthermore, such mandated redistribution is much more justified than wealth redistribution. Many millionaires and billionaires earned their wealth, whereas follicularly gifted men did not earn their thick hair and perfect hairlines. Anyone who supports wealth redistribution ought to get behind this great social equity effort. Without addressing the unfair genetically imposed plight of bald and balding men, the world will never be a fair place. We must stop ignoring this great injustice and take action immediately.
Bill Hanrahan is the Director of the ACLU’s Hair Justice Project and author of “Follicularly Speaking: Hair and Justice in America.”