“Its just attachment”
Like naming it something smaller
Would make it hurt less
Like it could explain
Why i kept going back
To something that kept breaking me
But i need to know
Did you ever see me?
Not the way i showed up for you,
Not the way i made myself easy to love
But me
Not just my body
Or my presence
But me
The way i stayed
The way i loved you
The way i chose you
Even when you made it hard to
To be considered
Thats all i wanted
In the small moments
In the pauses between the words
In the silence
Where care should have lived
Because love doesn’t look like being second
Love doesn’t look like being replaced
Love doesn’t sound like lies
Told so easily
So yes i still stayed
Because at the end of the day
I choose you
When i close my eyes
When i imagine peace
When i imagine love
All i saw was you
So i went back again,
and again,
and again ,
and again
Until the love started to rot
And something heavier took its place
And now i lay here
In a bed that finally only holds me
And for the first time
There was no confusion in the room
Because when i looked at you
I didn’t see what you were doing to me
I saw what i wanted you to be
So i kept going back
hoping one day
you loved me
The way i loved you
But you never did…
And now the love i had for you
Feel heavy
Like its turning into something else
Something bitter
Something i dont recognize
And its quiet,
quiet than it ever was
And all i can think is
Do i hate you
For everything you did to me
Or do i hate myself
For letting you do it for so long
Sanaya Thomas
Sophomore
Psychology Major
Women’s and Genders Studies minor