I think too hard about my past. About what I would change or do differently. If I’ve made the right decisions. I think too much about the beginning of college. About what mistakes I made when I was depressed. When I thought nothing of myself and therefore nothing of my future. I wonder if my major, or my friends or anything I have now would be the same if I was alive for those first two years. I used to have certain dreams. Dreams that when my brain was at its darkest, I convinced myself I wasn’t good enough to try to reach. I wish I had been more confident, less mean to myself. I wish I wasn’t so easily convinced. It is crazy how two years of my life can feel like an aberration. How nothing I thought I knew about myself then matches what I know now.
I think too hard about my future. If I’m setting myself up for comfortability and freedom. If I had thought about my future more back then, would I have been better off now? I still wish I had more confidence about it. Will I be able to enter a cutthroat society and make it out alive? Am I subjecting myself to constant disappointment in the end? Am I prepared to graduate and be on my own? Sometimes I think I am too afraid to be successful. Sometimes I think I have not allowed myself to fully let go, but I don’t know what I’m holding onto. Sometimes I think I am afraid of failure, so I don’t try hard enough to succeed, so then it hurts less. It is scary to think all of this may be for nothing. All the work I am doing, trying to make up for a lost and empty two years. What if none of it even matters?
When I think about my life now and what I have, I feel lucky. I feel surrounded by love. I feel at peace and grateful. If I could only live in the moment more often. If I could get out of my head and feel that peace, I would be happier. I put so much pressure on myself for my mistakes, and even more pressure on myself to succeed. None of those things are things I can change right now. It does nothing but eat me alive. I have had the best year I’ve had in a long time, and I am learning to appreciate the moment. I am learning to accept the things I can’t control. I am learning about myself and what I want my life to be. I can’t change anything in the past, and I can’t be sure of anything in the future. I can make sure I laugh and really mean it. I can make sure I allow myself to love and be loved. I can control how I treat myself and others. Pressure makes diamonds, and I know that I am one.
Justine Koffi is 4th year Strategic Communications Major with a minor in Computer Science (NABJ’s Treasurer)