Are You Ready to Talk?

Am I ready to talk?

Many sessions later

Many discussions after 

The only answer ever given is

“…”

Am I ready to talk?

When I talk I feel

and when I feel

Do I heal?

cause it feels like I’m hurting,

reversing.

I thought I was healing in silence

but I was sitting with avoidance.

They say silence is loud

which it is but this isn’t the same silence that they meant when they said silence was loud. They meant that silence is loud when you receive no response from a lover about whether you are going to go your separate ways from each other. The silence I sit in is about whether I am ready to forgive, say “womp womp” and move on. But when I confront it, it feels like something sharp pressing against my chest. My chest hurts like when I have runner’s high in the middle of the winter. My nose hurts like it did when my grandmother used to pinch it to let me know, “You’re sticking your nose in others affairs that have nothing to do with you.” My eyes hurt like they did when I would watch my grandfather cut onions, and my grandfather loved onions. My hands tremble like they do when I give a speech in front of an audience. And every night when I lay my head to sleep, I have the same recurring dream. A man sitting on a bench with me, waiting for the seven bus to go downtown, asks me when the bus is approaching, “Are you ready to talk?” and before I can ever tell him my answer, he’s already on the bus. Is it too late for me to start talking or do I still have time?

They say healing is not linear 

But yet it feels like 

I’ve been going in a straight line 

All this time.

Ivori Reid is a fourth-year Psychology major. IR955503@wcupa.edu.