Mon. Jun 17th, 2024

Photo: Unsplash via Laura Ockel.jpg

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, which inevitably means that some of us are wondering: What is the right gift to get someone on this horribly commercial — I mean, wonderfully romantic — holiday? It is, of course, a bit embarrassing to ask someone what they’d like — God forbid your girlfriend tells you she wants Taylor Swift tickets, and then you have to spend the next few days frantically scouring the internet for deals on remaining tickets, and then trading away your car, your apartment and your life savings in order to obtain them. Alternatively, your partner could tell you that he doesn’t know what he wants, although he KNOWS that’s a bad idea, since it’s what he told his Aunt Sally about Christmas presents, and Aunt Sally ended up buying him a pair of long socks with Michael Jordan’s face on them. Now, if you want to avoid all of this confusion, it’s best to consult with the experts. And the experts have told us the best ways to not mess up with your Valentine’s Day gift-giving this year. Follow these steps and you can never go wrong, we promise! *  

*We don’t actually promise.  

Option One: Be single. This option never fails, since you always know what you want to get. You don’t even need to wait for Valentine’s Day! In fact, you can stop reading this article right now and go do something more productive, such as studying for a statistics exam or getting a hot chocolate at Saxby’s.  

Option Two: Buy your partner some flowers. Your partner is guaranteed to love flowers, at least until they perish about 24 hours after you give them to her — or when her cat eats them.  

Option Three: Buy your partner a stuffed animal, preferably a cat. Although you should never buy anyone a real pet for a holiday, it is always permissible to get your partner a stuffed cat instead, especially one that makes funny sounds when you squeeze it. This is also far more practical. Real cats are a significant financial burden given their general tendency to refuse all food except the most expensive possible option and to eat your plants when you’re not looking. 

Option Four: Buy your partner a pair of socks. Everyone needs a pair of socks, no matter how much they claim they don’t.  

Option Five: Take your partner to a restaurant and be extremely nice to the waitstaff. Everyone who has ever worked in a restaurant on Valentine’s Day can tell you that some couples can be EXTREMELY rude. You and your partner probably don’t want to be remembered as “those f****** idiots at Table 12.” In fact, this is a good rule to follow in general. Always be nice to waitstaff, and God will undoubtedly reward you (whether he exists or not, he definitely approves of being nice to waitstaff).

Option Six: If all else fails, you can always celebrate that wonderful post-Valentine’s holiday, Discounted Chocolates Day. This, of course, is February 15 — a date everyone should duly mark on their calendars so that you can get some nice cheap heart-shaped sugar at the grocery store before the Easter Eggs and Peeps take over.  

And for those who’ll be working in a restaurant on this day, may the peace and blessings of God be with you as you deal with that inevitable unsatisfied couple at Table 12 who blame you for ruining their romantic evening. You will get through it, I promise.  

Happy Valentine’s Day.  


Emily Karreman is a third-year student with majors in Russian and History and a minor in Spanish.

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