Wed. Jul 17th, 2024

Photo credits: TesLa Wheatbread, Resident Vampire

Finnegan Patrick O’Grady: you may have never heard the name or seen the proud worm traveling across campus in his impeccably clean blue suit, you may not have seen his shamrock green bicycle dart past you on the way to class. This was the iron-hearted worm, who has traveled all the way from the Emerald Isle to be here at West Chester University. He had always been a worm of the shadows. No one knew he existed, but the insects of the underground WCU did. Today is the day that Finnegan Patrick O’Grady has decided to come out of the shadows and tell his story to the world.

You see, he was born a small worm — a runt in comparison to his stronger, chubbier siblings. In fact, his siblings had often pushed him into the unrelenting sun with jeers of “Finny the Fickle Funyun.” He didn’t particularly know what a Funyun was, but he assumed it wasn’t a good thing. After he realized that playing in the dirt was not for him, he decided that college would be his next step. All Finnegan had ever wanted was the respect of other worms, which he did not receive as an undersized, underappreciated worm of the Earth’s crust. So, as soon as he graduated high school, Finnegan said goodbye to his family and headed to Dublin, Ireland. There, he attended Trinity College while working part-time as an Irish dancer on Local Insect Riverdance.

As he danced on that stage, he soon came to understand that he did not merely wish to stay in the small isle. No, Finnegan wanted to explore the world, to see sights he had never seen before, to see the Northern Lights and to marvel at the vastness of the globe. Most importantly, he wanted to make a name for himself. Whether that was by becoming a mob boss or a politician, he did not know. All he knew was that one day, worms around the world would know his name.

After this realization, Finnegan left for the United States, which he had always known as the land where dreams come true. Once here, he transferred to West Chester University (WCU). He chose WCU mainly because Temple University’s mascot was an owl, and he despised owls with all the cold blood in his little body. He had an uneventful junior year due to the pandemic (not a problem for worms, but he realized that humans seemed terrified enough).

With in-person classes, he stepped up his game. Instead of whiskey and homework, he added clubs and amigos to his schedule. Of course, by clubs he meant none other than student activities rather than disco-dedicated clubs. In May, this immigrant worm will graduate with the highest of honors, but what is next? Finnegan is considering becoming a crime boss in New York City or starting a charity oriented towards liberating imprisoned worms in North Korea. Whatever he chooses to do, I hope he knows that West Chester University is cheering for him. I mean, unless he becomes a crime lord, which is too illegal for public support.


DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Quak, a satirical series of articles that are released in commemoration of April Fools Day.

Victoria Foley is a fourth-year Political Science major with a minor in Politics, Law, & Society.

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