Thinking back on this year in quarantine, I didn’t learn to knit. I didn’t take up a new hobby, and I never made whipped coffee. However, if I did have one big takeaway, it’s that everyone’s feelings are valid and should never be downplayed.
In the uncertain times of a pandemic, toxic positivity creates a highly dangerous environment.
Many curveballs have been thrown our way this year. From losing family members to losing jobs to feeling downright isolated, no one should ever be told “it could be worse” or “it will be fine,” especially in a time when lives have changed abruptly. These phrases are traps of toxic positivity. Health experts from The Psychology Group define toxic positivity as “the overgeneralization of a happy, ‘positive vibes only’ state that results in the denial, minimization and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.”
While optimism seems important, a big difference exists between staying optimistic and forcing your optimism upon others. This positivity becomes toxic when it prevents individuals from feeling emotions and shames them into believing positivity is the one and only way to cope.
At the height of the pandemic last spring, this “positive vibes only” mentality became increasingly evident on social media. Toxic posts clouded Instagram and TikTok feeds, instructing college students to “take advantage of quarantine” and “work on yourself” in this newfound free time. News flash: not everyone deals with stress in the same way. Some people didn’t want to do anything, and that’s okay. A pandemic and unexpected lifestyle change is enough to process, but the pressure to be productive often leaves many feeling ashamed and inadequate for just trying to make it through the day without breaking down.
As a college student, I can’t count how many times I’ve been told this year to “look on the bright side” or “be grateful you’re not in a hospital bed.” Just because one’s experience may not be nearly as extreme does not mean their feelings aren’t real.
A mental health crisis was already evident among college students, and the pandemic did not help the matter. According to a survey conducted by The Jed Foundation last fall, 43% of college students reported their mental health being worse than ever before in anticipation of the school year, with 82% reporting having anxiety in the last month.
As the pandemic overtook the country, a time for growth, freedom and transition for many college students suddenly became a time to sit in their childhood bedrooms contemplating the unknown. When would we return to in person learning? When could we see our friends again? Would the seniors get to have a graduation?
Even by the fall, many of these unknowns remained unanswered as the college we knew changed completely. School activities became Zoom meetings, weekends became quiet and “breaks” became random Tuesdays. FOMO (fear of missing out) took a toll on the many students whose universities would remain online for the semester or year. It’s a tough pill to swallow when you’re told that your friends’ universities are resuming semi-normal operations while yours is staying remote.
While it’s true the students forced to stay home would be less at risk for the virus, being simply told “it’s for your own good” is not very effective among dejected college students who already feel they’re missing out on an important rite of passage in life. Additionally, students who had the opportunity to return to campus and live in a dorm were told “at least you get to go back” despite the fact that college suddenly became a combination of never-ending online assignments and isolating for a matter of weeks with minimal social interaction. Not to mention one wrong move by one group of students would send an entire university packing.
With the constant message that “everything will be okay! We’ll get through it together, just stay positive!” flowing through students’ emails accompanied with abruptly changing plans, it’s no wonder why anxiety is on the rise. These phrases — tainted by toxic positivity, whether emailed or said out loud — are equivalent to shaming. They make people feel as if they’re doing something wrong by feeling depressed or anxious. These feelings of failure and guilt can manifest in unhappiness, which can result in emotional and physical distress as well as feelings of inferiority.
When you feel you’re getting robbed of a vital experience, meaningless phrases of positivity won’t cure the disappointment in the present and uncertainty in the future.
During a time when it’s natural to feel negative emotions, ignoring them won’t make them go away. Putting aside painful emotions encourages suppressing feelings and staying silent, which can be counterproductive and dangerous. Whether it be a debilitating mental health condition, physical health issues or aggression, these emotions will always show up in one way or another. The more they are pushed down, the worse they will become.
In a study done on the effects of emotional suppression, participants who accepted their own emotional responses had lower heart rates and recovered from the experience quicker.
Allowing ourselves to process negative emotions is how we heal and grow.
As put by clinical health psychologist Natalie Dattilo, “shoving ice cream into someone’s face when they don’t want ice cream isn’t going to make them feel better.”
Next time you want to tell someone to look on the bright side, just lend an ear instead.
Lindsay Orr is a third-year Media and Culture major with a minor in Psychology. LO912877@wcupa.edu