Dimly lit on the balcony of Tanglewood, President Weisenstein drinks directly from the bottle – a 1989 Chateau Troplong Mondot – and tries a little too hard to be comfortable. Armed with the knowledge of his imminent exposure, little more can be done than await the end of his term – and the return of the mothership. President Weisenstein’s allegiance is clear. It’s time to see where you stand. Are you or are you not a lizard?
To the average college student, this innocuous question would warrant a swift “no,” walking away quickly to avoid the veritable lunatic or “conspiratard” spouting theories about in the quad.
But what lays beyond the question? What scaled, serpentine secrets hide behind the words, beyond the walls of our campus buildings?
To answer that question, one must consider a vast history of reptilian-based oppression – in world governments, the politics of the United States and even the bureaucratic leadership of West Chester University.
Throughout history, writers, researchers and scholars have been tracing leaders of the free world to reptilian agencies, pinned by irrefutable evidence, the horns on their heads and the scales on their necks.
As Joel Lewels, independent researcher and Ph.D. recipient from Troy University reports in his comprehensive paper, “The Reptilians: Humanity’s Historical Link to the Serpent Race,” reptilians serve somewhat as a guardian to the human race. Beings of immense power and ubiquitous throughout history, they now take a more subdued approach to controlling human affairs. Hiding in the shadows of a corrupt government, they pull the strings. That’s not how it’s always been.
As far back as in Egyptian myth, and chronicled in the Dead Sea Scrolls, reptilian beings such as Enki, deity of earth and fertile soils, were known to have played a part in “tree of knowledge”-style events, in which early humans felt the influence of advanced knowledges, advanced technologies and at points even interbred in order to create a more ideal species.
It is currently unknown why these beings have engrained themselves so heavily in human affairs– perhaps for the pursuit of conquest, the pursuit of power, the pursuit of knowledge or perhaps for entertainment, in a morbid game of snakes and ladders – played at our expense.
Many argue reptilians to be a peace-faring species, but more disagree, as Joel Lewels cites evidence of reptilians exploiting humans for their own gain. He has spoken out, without regard to the dangers, against the party of reptilians running our world – abducting our friends, brainwashing our families.
“Throughout history, writers, researchers, and scholars have been tracing leaders of the free world to reptilian agencies.”
He’s not alone in the fight. Numerous celebrities and public figures have spoken out against reptilians – John F. Kennedy, Snoop Dog, Judge Judy and most recently punk trio Hale Bopp Astronauts.
Louis C.K. too speaks out regularly against reptilian oppression, as chronicled most famously in his 2011 interview with Donald Rumsfeld, former Secretary of Defense. When repeatedly asked whether or not he was a lizard, Rumsfeld refused to answer the question, displaying at large the inability of reptilians to lie – as inhibited by their stunted evolutionary status.
A 2013 article by former New York Times journalist Philip Bump described a simple system for reptilian recognition based on fourteen tell-tale signs including, among others, piercing eyes, a sense of not belonging to the human race, capacity to disrupt electrical appliances, unexplained bodily scars and alien contacts.
Exhibiting a majority of these warning signs, President Weisenstein cuts a bit too close to the grain. Isn’t it convenient how he left office just as the tremendous “awakened” government reform movement has begun? For his sake, the mothership best be warm. It’s going to be a cold month for our cold-blooded friends.
I will be surprised if this article survives the intense screenings of even The Quad – as the reptilians meticulously control their image as to keep humans off their scent. In fact, even if published, I don’t expect you, reader, to even take my words at their face value. The reptilian edifice is so carefully crafted, so nimbly maintained, that even in the face of irrefutable evidence, the average person will choose to accept their comfortable, lizard-constructed reality.
It’s time to know the truth. Sure, fight your fights. Riot for equality. Build a wall to keep the undesirables out. Occupy Wall Street. Perhaps ignorance is bliss, but you’re no longer afforded that luxury.
Next week, if your dearest friend begins to act suspect, exercise suspicion. Look for the signs. Be afraid of what you’ll dig up – but dig it up anyway.
Reality slithers in the shadows, waiting for the truthers of our generation to uncover it – a scaled tail popping from the back of a black jacket, a golden toupee masking the horns of a telepathic being. Question your world, question your reality and question those you love.
Are you or are you not a lizard? You may be surprised by what you find.
Anthony Fallacaro is a second-year student majoring in middle grades prep. He can be reached at AF829856@wcupa.edu.