Tue. Dec 6th, 2022

“Hey, I just love that shirt!” “Where did you get that hat? It goes great with your gloves!” “Those are cute sneakers.” These are compliments which often roll off the tongues of the “fabulous five,” the stars of the hit TV show, “Queer Eye For the Straight Guy.”For those of you that have been in a hole for the past six months (Saddam, that means you), “Queer Eye” is a show that takes very macho or even dirty guys and turns them into stereotypical adolescent homosexuals. The miracles these five urban homosexuals perform on mullet-bound middle American men are extreme and even hard to believe. Nevertheless, the American people watch and most believe. The show has excellent ratings and guys seem to love the show as much as women.

Keeping the believability of the show in mind, I decided to deliver some queer eye advice for West Chester guys, but it does not have to do with lattes or SoHo. All guys need not resemble a New York City homosexual as the Fabulous Five suggest in order to be hip. The normal guy just needs a little kick in the pants.

Therefore, I have decided to help the normal guy. I have therefore directed my column to him in lieu of the five’s ability to appeal to the masses. I have come up with three suggestions to get men moving in the right direction. Each suggestion will focus on one aspect of culture. Action is suggested to expand one’s ideas about what he may do to drop the weights and pick up the hairdryer or nail file or foundation. I know that if these suggestions are followed, women at West Chester will look at you in a new light and you can take all the credit. (Hint: If you take the credit, hide this article.)

Now, let us begin with the first suggestion. Suggestion one, step one. Put on a dress. I am kidding. (If you have already put it on, please remove dress. Thank you.) Moving on, suggestion one is going to focus on a timeless tradition around all college campuses: drinking. We are going to assume for this article that Paul is a testosterone-driven junior majoring in business and Lori is a reserved freshman majoring in political science. Paul is trying to win Lori over, but he cannot possibly accomplish this with his all-testosterone all-the-time attitude. Let us now review a typical Thursday night between our fictional characters. “Hey there is a party tonight at _ _ _ (substitute three Greek Letters here). Would you like to go, Lori?” Lori replies, “Do you mean sit in that basement and watch Van Wilder again, playing beer pong, and chugging Coors Light?” Paul chimes in with a “Yes!” Lori returns with, “No, Paul, no, I can’t do the same thing every weekend. It is just no fun anymore.” “Fine, I wanted to chill with the guys anyway, bye; Silver Bullet rules!”

Let us now look at what went on here and how we may be able to alter the situation in Paul’s favor. From this example, we see Paul has become apathetic to what Lori finds to be a fun weekend. Herein lies Paul’s first mistake, insensitivity. Girls have to be surprised and pampered at times and they will repay the favor when you least expect it. Paul could have tried a trick that has been around for a while, but one I am sure Paul does not know about. It is called compromise. Suggestion #1: Paul could buy an inexpensive but quality bottle of California wine and two glasses. Learn a little about it, and pre-game with the wine before heading out to the party. She is then happy because she feels sophisticated. He is happy because she will stand around for an extra hour or two watching him do keg stands and screaming obscenities.

For extra points, he may also want to take this suggestion one-step further and woo Lori with information about the wine’s origin and history, vintage, the flavors hidden in it, and the type of grapes from which it was squeezed. I would suggest the brand Estancia if she enjoys Cabernets and Merlots, and Kendall Jackson if she prefers Chardonnay; both are within a college kid price range.

He is now ready for suggestion #2. Let us again witness a blunder that could have been corrected if Paul only put away the testosterone.

Paul showed up to meet Lori’s parents wearing a Metallica t-shirt and sweat pants. Come on, Paul. Lori cannot deal with your 80’s style and neither can her parents. Paul thinks worker boots go well with khakis and a sweatshirt. You can tell a lot about a person by how he or she dress.

Now I know that money is an issue for many people, but there are ways around this. Suggestion #2: Go to Express They offer student charge cards with an initial credit line of $150 and they do not do a credit check. Start there. Try on some nice polos or a sweater. Grab a nice button-up oxford. Go for the pinks, purples, and blues. Why look like everyone else? Start by getting the essentials: a black and brown belt, black and brown shoes, a few ties, some nice slacks, and a few nice dress shirts. Good fashion builds on good fashion and compliments are never a bad thing.

Now that Paul has some wine culture and the clothes to match, let us see what his next issue is. Paul thinks, like many men, that it is not manly to read. Paul, you are wrong. You may not have had those five minutes of dead silence where Lori was thinking about the IQ’s of all the other guys in the rooms if you had picked up a book in the last decade.

Suggestion #3: Chicks dig guys with big, massive amounts of knowledge. I would suggest something political, philosophical, or a book that takes a serious look at popular culture.

Paul can walk with a little more confidence now. I am not suggesting Paul walk on his toes, wear pink shoes, or groom his eyebrows as the fabulous five may suggest. I am just suggesting minor improvements in his attitude and atmosphere. He can show up to Lori’s dorm on Thursday wearing nice slacks, a pink dress shirt, black shoes and a matching belt. He will be holding a bottle of ’99 Estancia; we are assuming Lori enjoys the red, and have a list of current issues to stimulate conversation. Lori and Paul can still attend the frat party, but Paul is going to score major points beforehand. Caution, Paul: if you do these things, she might actually start to like you. Good luck.

Ben Price is a junior majoring in political science.

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