Fri. Sep 30th, 2022

So does anyone know when that snazzy new dishwasher in Lawrence is scheduled to begin operations? Anyone? How long does it possibly take to install a dishwasher anyhow? Why was WCU able to build two new dorms and completely tear down two others faster then it was able to install a dishwasher? The suspense of this thing is killing me. I want to know just what it does exactly. Besides wash dishes that is. I mean, if it has taken this long, it must do all sorts of things. Just think of the possibilities. Cook food, digest said food, provide homework help, travel through space and time. Maybe it will even sprout legs and protect the campus from the “Red Dawn” inspired communist coup which has befallen it. Now that’s a dishwasher!

I’ll explain that bit about the coup later. By the way, if that machine turns out to simply clean eating utensils, there will be no end to how much complaining I will do. No end. Your move Lawrence.

I’m not sure how much longer I can take only having one functioning dishwashing area in Lawrence. During the lunch rush, plates and glasses are piled as high as the eye can see, with lines so long that they put me on edge. Not because I have a problem with lines, mind you. I enjoy a good line. They give you a chance to think. No, the problem with the Lawrence lines is that they are so long that I often begin to worry that I’m actually waiting for the midnight show of the latest Robert Pattinson film. Panic sets in as I anxiously search my pockets, fearing that I’ve lost my ticket. Cold sweat drips down my furrowed brow. I mustn’t miss Robert!

Usually around the ten-minute mark, I snap out of this frenzied delirium, realizing that my next encounter with Mr. Pattinson is still many months away. And then I become sad, but that is not the point. Actually, almost none of this is.

Back to the line situation. Most reasonable human beings don’t mind a good line wait. They see a line and they take their place at the back of it, no questions asked. That is, after all, the American Way. However, lately in Lawrence, I’ve noticed a few free-spirited individuals playing fast and loose with Uncle Sam’s regulations.

Rather than just follow the crowd in one door and out the other, these nonconformist types go in and out whichever door they please! Nary a passing thought paid to us flag-waving Americans doing our patriotic duty in the line they just skipped out on.

What are you folks? Too good to wait in line like the rest of us? What if we all just went in and out of doors willy-nilly? Enter? Ha-ha! I laugh in the face of entrances! Just try and stop me from exiting! It would be a world of chaos.

I’ve noticed the same disturbing self-centeredness taking place on WCU’s shuttle busses. Rather than wait their turn to exit, people in the back seat sprint to the front before the bus has even come to a complete stop. As if their class is more important than the rest of ours.

The chances are good that unless you’re like me (God help you if that’s the case) you aren’t just riding the shuttle busses for pleasure. We’ve all got somewhere to be, so just sit down and wait your turn to get off! You trampling the sleep deprived, hung over freshman in the third row just so you can get to your Biology class a quarter of a second faster is surprisingly not worth it.

We’ve taken a sad, impatient turn as a society. I blame this era of instant gratification on many things, first and foremost being Purel dispensers and the internet. People don’t stop and smell the roses anymore. In fact, if the roses take more than three seconds to load on their laptop, people buy a new laptop. Slow down WCU, your hustle and bustle isn’t getting you anywhere.

And Robert Pattinson as my witness, if you cut in front of me in the dishwasher line again, I will throw my undercooked and uneaten Lawrence chicken breast right at your head.

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