Tue. Mar 5th, 2024


I’m not sure, exactly, whom I’m addressing, but I want to thank you for taking the time to read this. I’m a writing student at Bloomsburg Univeristy who’s recently decided with all the arrogance of a college guy in his twenties, that I’m so funny I need to share it. Also, I need people to read what I write and tell me how I can improve it.

So, I’ve been writing a humor column every week for seven weeks, now, and I’d love The Temple Times to publish it with my email address, in the hopes of soliciting opinions and, duh, of improving. I don’t know if you publish work from students at other institutions, but I’d like to ask you to look at what I’ve written so far at http://www.stcrowley.com/silliness/. Every Tuesday, I get out six hundred words, almost on the nose, that make make my roommates and friends laugh. I’m hoping I can make your readers laugh, too.

Thanks for your time,

Because email is free, I’m including a copy of today’s column, it’s titled “Cell Phones and Lingerie”

My roommate is a professional cell phone salesman. He says that wireless is a “very sexy” industry. To discuss that, I think we need a benchmark for sexiness. Lingerie. Would anybody care to suggest that lingerie is anything but sexy? Think it’s intellectual? Functional? Let’s face it: if there were a way to conceal a woman’s body behind three feet of red or black thread, Victoria’s Secret would have made a million dollars selling threads for seventy dollars a piece. (Wait and pick them up on clearance for thirty bucks, for a garment that cost less than a cent to make, that’s a “savings” of forty bucks.) Lingerie is nothing but sexy.
And I’m not saying that I wouldn’t be pleasantly surprised if my girlfriend came at me with nothing on but her cell phone, but then I’d probably get to thinking: who is she talking to naked? Obviously, it isn’t me. Call me a jealous boyfriend, but I think I’d be more angry than aroused after less than a minute.
You want sexy? Put on some lingerie (guys, this suggestion isn’t for you, though I’m sure many of you would look ravishing in a nice teddy). What makes you sexy isn’t the fact that you paid too much for a garment with less fabric in it than a pair of socks, so much as the fact that there’s almost nothing between you and your lover. You’ve reduced the separation between you and him to nothing more than an ounce of fabric and a pricey brand name and, as proof that you’re sexy, your lover should be so caught up with you that he’s incapable of higher-order thought. (I don’t mean he’ll have trouble with Calculus, I mean he won’t be able to do anything more than grunt)
Try that with a cell phone: Dim the lights, put on some soft music and dash off for a moment to “slip into something more comfortable.” When you return, be on the phone with your best friend, talking about how crazy his ex-girlfriend is. Maybe give your date a wink and a smile and try swaying with the music. What’s that? I think he just reached for the remote control.
Oh no! There’s been a flag on the play!
As a general rule, anything that makes your date reach to change the channel is considered not sexy. It’s a sign that what you’re doing is what many dating experts call a “turn off.” Your lingerie, you see, peels back everything separating you from your lover to demonstrate that you want to be with that person. It’s affirming and that’s very sexy. Also, if you’re a girl dating a college-aged guy, the fact that he can see anything more than your face and hands will drive him crazy.
Bust your cell phone out and you’re sending a slightly different message. You’re saying that no matter where you are or who you’re with, you’d obviously really rather be with whoever’s on the other end of that phone. Not so affirming. A bit of dating advice: neglecting whoever you’re with to talk to your ex – no matter how good your intentions are – compounds the issue and doesn’t so much send a message of “you’re getting action tonight,” as of “wanna break up with me, yet?” And that, as the dating experts would say, is a turn off.
So, I think we can conclude that cell phones aren’t as sexy as my roommate claims. In fact, we might just conclude that he’s generally silly. Never trust a cell phone sales person with your dating life.

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