Mon. Jul 4th, 2022

NOTE – The new Republican mantra: “civil war is an Iraqi problem that needs an Iraqi solution.” While President Bush and the neoconservatives that led us to war in Iraq vehemently deny it, most Iraqis, including their former prime minister, Ayad Allawi, believe that Iraq is currently embroiled in a civil war. “It is unfortunate that we are in a civil war. We are losing each day as an average 50 to 60 people throughout the country, if not more. If this is not civil war, then God knows what civil war is,” Allawi told the BBC.

With the 2006 elections quickly approaching, politicians and political hopefuls are feeling the pressure. Candidates linked to Bush and his dubious war in Iraq are likely going to face an uphill battle. In an effort to distance themselves from the lame duck sitting in the Oval Office and his highly unpopular war, Republicans have unveiled a catchy new jingle that is sure to dissuade voters from tossing the entire GOP out of government entirely: the civil war in Iraq is an, “Iraqi problem that needs an Iraqi solution.” Brilliant.

I am under the distinct impression that civil war in Iraq is something the Bush administration has been praying for since the fall of Baghdad. Today, with things spiraling out of control, the president knows it’s finally time to play “Pass the Buck.” Let’s see, who can we dump this mess on? Ah, How about the Iraqi’s themselves? Perfect.

They’re so distracted by sectarian warfare that they’ll never even see us pull our troops out! Afterwards, when the dust from our retreating Blackhawks finally settles, the Sunni and Shia will momentarily stop wringing each other’s necks and wonder aloud, “Hey, what happened to those guys that started this whole mess?”

While blaming the Iraqis themselves is a brilliant plan, it’s always a smart move to have a solid backup – just in case. Bush unveiled this beauty during a recent speech (most likely in front of an offensively ironic banner reading, “Strategy for Victory,” or something like that). He informed his audience that a future President, not him, would have to deal with American troops leaving Iraq. Brilliant.

It has become abundantly obvious that President Bush is all-too content in simply riding out his disastrous presidency – letting someone else clean up his mess (in all likelihood, a Democrat). Speaking of which, Hillary, if you happen to be reading this week’s issue of The Quad, please don’t run for President. Thanks a lot.

Rodger Thomas Holst is a senior majoring in literature.

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