Sun. Jan 23rd, 2022

NOTE: Proposed All-Catholic city attempts to bring new meaning to the expression “this town sucks.” Move over Las Vegas, America’s new playground is upon us. That’s right, folks; for those of you who prefer deity over debauchery, the founder of Domino’s Pizza, Thomas S. Monaghan, is planning to erect an all-Catholic town 25 miles east of Naples, Florida aptly named Ave Maria, presumably after the hot, young tennis sensation Maria Sharapova.

Monaghan has publicly stated that the town of Ave Maria will be governed under the most stringent of Roman Catholic principles. So what does this mean for the town’s residents? Basically, there will be no place to buy condoms or birth control, get an abortion or nab the latest issue of Perfect 10.

If this all sounds a bit illegal, that’s because it is. Unfortunately for Monaghan, no American city can restrict the constitutional rights of its citizens, even if it is “God’s Will,” as he so modestly claims. Howard Simon of the ACLU cautioned that the people of Collier County, Florida, “are in for a whole series of legal and constitutional problems and a lot of litigation indefinitely into the future.”

There is a silver lining, however; all minivans sold at the local Ford dealership (God would buy American!) come equipped with a preinstalled Jesus fish decal, leaving buyers with extra money to spend at the “What Would Jesus Buy” shopping center across the street.

Franchises purportedly interested in setting up shop in Ave Maria include, among others, Inquisitions R’ Us, Barnes and Martyrdom, and of course Domino’s Pizza.

At the center of the town there is going to be a church shaped like the pope’s hat (I’m not kidding about this one) as well as a 65 foot tall crucifix, the largest in America – as if Santa Claus needs extra incentive to stop there.

While there are plenty of things inherently wrong with an all-Catholic town, at the top of my list is the restriction on pornographic material. Vaginas are confusing enough without ever seeing one until your married. This is a recipe for disaster if there has ever been one.

Rodger Thomas Holst is a senior majoring in literature with a minor in film criticism.

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