After months of speculation and billions of dollars spent on stimulus packages, the global economic recession finally seems to have ended.Countries from around the globe have been reporting record gains in their markets, America being no exception.
“It’s amazing,” said The Quad’s Chief Economist Jenn Rothstein. “One minute the market is in the dumps and the next, everything is fine. The market hasn’t been this strong since the 90’s. I think I may celebrate by listening to some Spice Girls and playing Nintendo 64.”
The cause of the recent upturn in the economy has left even the most grizzled economists scratching their heads.
One theory has that President Obama’s stimulus plans were finally able to jumpstart the sagging markets.
Another holds that the recent recession was nothing more then a “clearing fire” of sorts, meaning that several old and frail companies had to go before strong new ones could take their place.
WCU student Chris Monigle, who is quadruple majoring in Literature, Philosophy, Economics and Business, has a different theory.
“New Found Glory did release a new CD this year. Coincidence? Maybe. Look, I’m not saying that Jordan Pundik is completely responsible for saving the global economy, but Jordan Pundik is completely responsible for saving the global economy.”
As countries everywhere celebrate the resurgence of their economies, not everyone is in the mood for a party.
During a recent conference call, Rupert Murdoch, the president of Fox and Jonathan Klein, the head of CNN, gave a much bleaker take on the situation.
“It stinks, it stinks, it stinks,” exclaimed Murdoch.
“What the heck are we supposed to talk about now,” pondered Klein. “We have 24 hours a day to kill. You take all the negative talk about the economy out and that leaves us with. 17 minutes of programming!”
“Unless you people want round the clock coverage of the ‘octo-mom,’ you people better stop spending money and start living in fear again,” ranted Murdoch.
The 24-hour news networks have all experienced massive drops in ratings since news broke of the economy’s improvement.
Fox News and CNN have seen their ratings plummet almost 75 percent, but its MSNBC that was hit worst of all. Its ratings dropped a record, and seemingly impossible 98 percent.
“My god. It’s a nightmare! This is the worst thing to happen to NBC since Carson Daly got a late night show,” bemoaned Phil Griffin, President of MSNBC. “How do the ratings drop 98 percent? At first we thought, maybe there was a problem with the transmission but no, it’s working fine! When’s the next presidential election anyway? Those things are always ratings gold. When? Four years!”
As the cable news networks scramble to find another story to blow way out of proportion, and possibly make worse, the rest of the world is sitting back and basking in a time of nearly unprecedented prosperity.
“It’s most enjoyable,” Monigle said, taking another sip from his glass of iced tea. “You see this iced tea? It tastes like success, success and money.”
He then went on to point out that the reason his iced tea tasted like money was because the economy is now so good, that Nestea has begun grinding up hundred dollar bills and putting them into their products.
Further proof of the strength of the economy is the fact that solid gold toilet sales have gone up 150 percent, while rocket car sales went up an astonishing 1000 percent.
“I’m living the dream right now,” said Drake Stone, co-president of Beware!!Meadow Inc., which is ironically the world’s leading producer of both rocket cars and golden toilets.
“When my grandfather started this company 80 years ago, people thought he was insane. Well, who’s insane now,” Stone asked and then began to laugh maniacally while petting a large white cat.
April Fools. unfortunately.
The story you have just read is entirely fictional. All of the quotes were made up. Drake Stone isn’t a real guy, and the rocket car and golden toilet seat industry has not taken off (so to speak).yet.
Colin McGlinchey currently can not be reached via email. He can be found atop the mountain, where he and his family band are preparing to tour the countryside.
* April Fools!