When building a house it is vital for survival that there be a ventilation system; a chimney, a fan, or even just an open window. So why is it when it comes to relationships we don’t always have a way to vent? Are there certain people we go to for certain things? Should there be one who gets the satisfaction of knowing they are your first line defense? I couldn’t believe it. After months of dating-we weren’t on the same page. The problem with gray is that it is neither black or white – it’s an in between indefinable color. The same goes for Robert Grae. We spent almost every night together and spoke every day. To me, a gift of jewelry symbolizes fulfillment and content. But when it comes to relationships, sometimes someone is on a different page. Again – gray. “You’re selfish because you want to be my top priority- I would never ask you to make me a top priority”. I was shocked. He told me I couldn’t be the one he goes to for all his problems. He told me I couldn’t be the answer when he needed one. When in reality, the point of a relationship is not to answer the others questions or even solve their problems, but rather listen to them. Be there for them. Let them know that they are not alone. So after he left I thought about it: Do we need a vent-illation system?
On what would normally be a rather action-packed Friday evening, I choose to stay low-key with my favorite couple. I took Tom and Hilary to the most informal and chill restaurant I could think of for some pizza on High Street.
Everyone knows that one couple that you learn from, who surprises you with their answers and actions. Not far into our pizza did our conversation begin to get serious. We moved from conversation about music and television to relationships and life.
“I go to Hil to bitch about things she has no control over; things she can’t fix; things about people she doesn’t even know. It’s nice having someone you know will always listen. If anything, it’s a healthy thing to have.”
While I was eating, Amber was sleeping around.
The most independent female I know would never ask to vent to a man. She would never dream of having him to the same to her. So why was it bothering me so much that Grae wouldn’t vent to me? Had it something to do with our past? Hopes of our future? Or was I simple pissed because I invested so much time? And to another woman who had no time to waste. With a full course load and an internship Michelle was in no place to add ‘vent’ on her list of duties. She’s been working non-stop for several weeks and unfortunately can see no end in sight.
After a long week of work and stress I now needed a place to vent. That afternoon I spent some time with a few high quality friends-like Aldo, Armani, Ralph Lauren and my fabulous friend Sabastian Quinn. I felt that maybe a man’s point of view would give me a more black and white perspective rather than a Grae one. Asking Sabestian’s advice on improving my ‘selfish personality’ made my brain race. I wasn’t being selfish, I was being selfless.
“He’s on a boat by himself on that one,” he said.
With my mind a little more at ease I found time to catch up with Noel. She’s hard to get a hold of and I was thrilled when she called to do lunch. Instead of being the one who’s venting I was there to listen, provide comfort and offer any advice I could. When it comes to friendships and even relationships, sometimes the other can’t necessarily give you the answer you’re looking for. But it’s nice to know someone’s there.
Although after all the talks and venting I still wondered, why is it that what I consider selfless he considers selfish? Are we selfish or are we confused? Was I wrong to want to hear his problems, listen to him whine and hope that I could be of any assistance? Is that not what a relationship entails?
Maybe I’m the one who’s confused. Obviously from his point of view relationships don’t need a ventilation system; or at least he thinks it’s not one my responsibilities. Perhaps what I find gray he sees as black and white.
And later that day I finally got it. After I thought about it I realized I wasn’t being selfish. Well this is one gal who knows what she’s looking for in a relationship. Maybe some people view relationships and venting in different colors. Some things are meant to been seen one way or another, meant to be seen in black and white.