Ali Kochik is a third-year English Writing major with minors in Journalism and Women’s and Gender Studies. AK908461@WCUPA.EDU
When the first wave of COVID-19 lockdowns started going into place this time last year, it wasn’t difficult to imagine going right back to the way things had been up until that moment. A regular, free, unmasked lifestyle was all we had known, and the whole thing was only supposed to last two to three weeks maximum — or so we had been told.
Flash forward about 365 days, and everything is completely different. “Normal life” is no longer something we feel any sort of proximity to, and though hundreds of people in the U.S. are receiving one of the three new COVID vaccines daily, and the first glimpses of hope are starting to shine through, many of us have no idea how to cope with that.
Does the thought of being able to see people without fearing the spread of a life threatening disease sound amazing? Yes. Do we all long to see the day where we might be able to go outside our homes without having to make sure we are masked? Of course. Are we all missing the way we used to be able to operate within our daily lives without having to adhere to specific and ever changing restrictions? Absolutely.
But after a year of all of that being our reality, it seems so unrealistic to be able to look in the face of those looming possibilities and feel calm and assured.
I’d like to think that things will happen gradually and safely. I’d like to think that I will take everything in stride and only allow myself to do things that feel comfortable and secure for me.
However, so much of the way I used to live feels like it exists beyond that boundary of what will feel comfortable and secure.
How am I supposed to go to a friend’s birthday party again? Seeing one person — even when I know they are safe — already sends me teetering on the edge of hypochondriasis; I don’t know how I will manage being in a group. How will I ever use public transportation the way I used to? I can barely imagine going out of state; I can’t fathom ever leaving the country. Will I ever stop feeling like I have been exposed to every germ known to man every time I leave my house to pick up groceries?
To sum it all up, I feel like I forget what a COVID-free life looks like. A year is not that long in the grand scheme of things, especially given that I am currently a 20-year-old. And yet I feel a growing sense of anxiety about being given what I have been yearning for over the last 52 weeks — a chance of a return to normality.
Over spring break, WCU allowed many first-year students to move onto campus while following all of the necessary safety precautions, so as to give them a taste of the college experience.
Returning to the borough this week and visiting campus every few days to participate in my on-campus obligations and seeing actual, real people felt so bizarre, I don’t even know how to explain it.
The rational part of my brain is telling me that this is fine. The school set up this program to allow students to participate in this lifestyle without posing a threat to themselves or others. But that didn’t stop the irrational part of my brain from sounding the alarms when I walked past a group of three friends exiting the Rec Center together this afternoon and witnessing a campus that is starting to look normal again, even if it’s only slightly.
I suppose what I want to do here is validate my own feelings and, in the process, hopefully be able to validate many of yours.
It’s okay if seeing the world begin to open back up again makes you feel uncomfortable. It probably should make you feel that way given that we have been told for the last 12 months that this lifestyle is one we should be avoiding at all costs.
We’ve been in survival mode for an entire year, conditioned to recognize the danger that comes with even the most minute things, such as passing a group of friends leaving the gym.
It is absolutely going to take time before we can all get to a place where we feel comfortable and safe again. There is no way we can all live this experience and have every single one of us come out of it acting like nothing happened.
And while we can’t control the entire world and everyone in it, we do have control over ourselves and the way we choose to live our lives, and I hope that while the world begins to shift yet again, we remember that we deserve to be our own priority and that there is nothing wrong with regaining our footing slowly.