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Quak: South campus secedes from university

Citing the overreach of the university government over individual building rights, South Campus has officially declared secession from the North Campus.

Announcing the plans from a makeshift podium in the Sturzebecker Health Science Center, the line are to be drawn exactly at the intersection of New Street and High Street. Schmidt Hall, currently resting as a border building, has not yet announced whether or not they plan to secede.

North Campus is already planning on a retaliation.

“Well, to properly counteract the secession, we’ll need to enact Fiorentino’s March to Q-Lot,” said Nancy Gainer, executive director in the office of communications. “We’ll tear apart the astroturf first, and if that doesn’t work, then it’s time to clog the pool drains.”

Ro Bert Eelee, president of the New South Campus, declined to interview, but one of our writers attended his most recent rally at the Farrell Stadium.

“From the beautiful, rollicking south campus trails, all the way to some of those houses awkwardly in between the campuses, it’s time to claim the rights that we deserve,” said Eelee. “Never again shall people say, ‘Oh, there’s a south campus? Neat.’ People will now have to recognize us as a place that exists as a separate entity despite having approximately two buildings.”

The South Campus apartments are divided amongst themselves, with some eager to hear the results of the secession, and more still wishing to stay with the North Campus.

“I mean, I don’t know,” said Tristan Preston, second-year student living at the Village. “Wait, what?”

More information is forthcoming.

This article is a part of The Quak, our annual April Fool’s satire issue.

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