In their yearly address to the student body, Ararmark Food Services reminded West Chester University students that their food continues to be dolphin-safe.
“No dolphins were harmed in the crafting of our gluten-free sandwiches,” Manager Taylor Robert addressed to the public body. “Collateral damage in the processing and deliverance of our edible wares will never extend to the seaborne mammals.”
The student food service began addressing the issue of dolphin-safe food when several students voiced concern about traces of abestos in the gluten-free bread and vegan meat substitutes.
“Our food has never been anything less than dolphin safe,” he emphasized during his annual address from the roof of the Lawrence Center. “We take our precautions very seriously.”
“I never asked if the food was dolphin-safe,” one student said to an exhausted cashier on a Friday morning, expecting the cashier to provide an explanation. The cashier could not provide an explanation.
“Our food is absolutely dolphin-safe,” one Aramark manager confirmed. “We have extensive reports to prove it.”
“We asked about the traces of asbestos in the gluten-free bread,” a student said. “Those ads about me or a loved one contracting mesothelioma from asbestos really scared me, and we want Aramark to address the topic immediately.”
Aramark management plans to continue to generate ways to assure the student body that their food is dolphin-safe.
“Have you or a loved one ever been diagnosed with mesothelioma?” one student asked a cashier following the Aramark student address. “We know the food is dolphin safe, but will I, or a loved one, be diagnosed with mesothelioma?”
The cashier did not have an answer.
Aramark Food Services plans to train their cashiers in how to address the issue of asbestos in Aramark food to customers who may pose future questions.
“We will continue to generate an environment of open communication between our employees and customers,” Taylor confirmed. “The dolphin-safety of our food will never be a mystery.”
Samuel Peom is in no way shape or form related to the Aramark cashier I mean come on that would be ridiculous.
This article is a part of “The Quak,” our annual April Fool’s satire issue.