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Quak: Horoscope

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 21): Should you desire to ruminate in the shadows today, the Gods would stand by your decision. Please continue.

Aquarius (Jan 22-Feb 21): Stumble into the abyss, if you dare. They watch with bated breath. You are compelled to continue.

Pisces (Feb 22-Mar 21): As you descend into the darkness before you, feel the truth within your reach. Do not look behind you. You must continue.

Aries (Mar 22-Apr 21): Close your eyes as you bathe in the dark fog surrounding you. Pay the whispering voices no mind yet. Continue if you wish to avoid death.

Taurus (Apr 22-May 21): Reach out to your first sensations. Should you see anything, cower. If you hear the voices getting louder, carry forward. Now.

Gemini (May 22-Jun 21): Your trial will commence soon if you continue your way through the dark. Allow your beating heart to lead the way. You are not alone. If you do not continue, They will surely reach you.

Cancer (Jun 22-Jul 21): Bow your head when confronted with your challenger. He will smile, revealing bloodstained, razor-sharp teeth. You will pay the price of truth. He forces you to continue.

Leo (Jul 22-Aug 21): Close your eyes and attempt to block out any pain. It will be significant, and you may feel dizzy by the loss of blood. Do not let your fear overwhelm you. Continue.

Virgo (Aug 22-Sep 21): Truth is just within your reach. Ignore the loss of your most-used sense; it will not return to you ever again. You may feel broken, but you’ve no choice but to continue.

Libra (Sep 22-Oct 21): The Gods laugh behind you. Do not quiver or show fear at this point. Your challenger should disappear soon, leaving you scarred and breathless. Continue.

Scorpio (Oct 22-Nov 21): The Gods are near. The bleeding will stop. Your loss will not be for naught. Truth lies before you.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): If you listen carefully and avoid marring the space with your breath, They will finally speak the truth: “Astrology is fake.”

The Quak is a once-per-year satire news section of The Quad.

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