Wed. Jul 17th, 2024

In response to the growing “Ram’s Don’t Haze” movement, many frats have started to fully embrace the process through a mandatory tattoo of the slogan during inductions.

Brad Chadley, president of Omicron Omicron Omicron (OOO) and project head of the “Ram’s Don’t Haze” tattoo project, spoke more on the subject matter.

“You know, it’s time for Greek Life to stop living in the past, and start living right behind the present,” said Chadley. “Rather than forcing a student to get a tattoo of our secret symbol, which I can’t tell you about it, it’s time to get a tattoo of something we sometimes stand for, depending on the semester.”

Chad Bradley, president of Alpha Alpha Alpha (AAA), had some opposing thoughts to share.

“I mean, it’s part of our tradition,” said Bradley, ignoring the distant and muffled pleas from first-year neophytes locked in the AAA basement. “If we can’t choose how to permanently scar our initiates, then what’s the point?”

The Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life declined to comment on the new initiative, but did link us to Preston Creston, head of Public Relations at Epsilon Epsilon Epsilon (EEE.)

“I love the idea for the tattoo, but if I had a choice, I’d remove the ‘DON’T.’ I don’t think we need that part,” said Creston, sipping on a lukewarm Natty Lite.

Updates are forthcoming as Chadley, Bradley and Creston discuss more of the intricate details.

Mahks Juhmeez was a student, at one point or another, before he decided to travel back in time to when Benedict Cumberbatch was a child and figure out what genetic gamble made him look so ugly hot.

This article is a part of The Quak, our annual April Fool’s satire issue.

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