Sun. Jan 23rd, 2022

Within a few hours, Zyler had come no closer to understanding the enigmatic floppy disk. Complaining, his go to, seemed rather useless when it came to data transferring. He quickly decided that having an evil minion would expedite the tedious process, or at the very least give him someone else to complain to.

It took him a few minutes to draw a summoning sigil on the floor. It lacked the normal candles, and he had substituted blood for ketchup as no college students seemed all that willing to sacrifice themselves for the coming apocalypse. They were all too busy on their phones. He hoped that it wouldn’t cause any issues with the summoning.

The particular minion he was trying to summon was a gremlin. They were rather good at causing chaos as evidenced by the movies. Zyler began the incantation. A few moments later, a puff of smoke clouded the room. When the smoke cleared, a gremlin had appeared, though it was wearing a “hug the trees” shirt. Zyler decided to overlook this oddity and approached his newly summoned evil minion.

“You there, minion, you are here to serve me,” Zyler announced rather loudly.

A student briefly looked up at the commotion. “I totally dig the retro ’90s look.”

“You don’t understand my pain.”

The student ignored the statement and went back to her phone.

“And no one wants to be sacrificed. I summoned an evil minion to do my bidding, but none of them pay attention. Me, harbinger of doom and destruction, and bringer of darkness, plan to send the world into chaos, but no one understands. Typical.” Zyler had garnered no more of a crowd than before.

The gremlin looked at him and then around at the dining area before responding. “So you want to make college affordable?”

“What? NO! To cause the world to be plummeted into the soul-wrenching darkness of my heart.”

“I mean, we could, but wouldn’t efficient lighting in households be more effective?”

“Ugh. Why aren’t you listening? We… I will ensure that the world suffers the same lack of meaning and crushing pain that I experience every single day.”

“That kind of sounds like the struggle of the working class citizen.”

Zyler sighed for a long time. “Did I do the incantation wrong or something? Aren’t gremlins supposed to be malevolent beings of darkness?”

The gremlin nodded. “Oh yeah, absolutely. And I am totally one of them. I just so happened to be rejected.”

“You mean, like a societal reject. Like me.”

“Umm. No, I mean I wasn’t good enough for Gremlins 2™.”

Zyler thought on this for a moment. He rarely endured conversing with anyone, and he had little patience for the direction this conversation was heading. “Of all the wretched plot holes in that movie, they couldn’t make an exception for you.”

“Afraid not. Might be because I kept insisting on better work conditions.”

“Ugh. So I got stuck with what is essentially the most useless gremlin.”

“Actually, I think that might go to vegetable gremlin. Also, you never said why you summoned me.”

“Right, I was getting to that. In order for my evil plan to work, I need the information on this floppy disk to be transferred to a USB.”

“Oh, you went to the demonic IT department.”

“Yes, and they gave me a piece of obsolete technology.”

“Maybe if they were paid more, you would have more options.”

“Enough. I demand you help me before I un-summon you.”

“Okay.”

Zyler was taken aback by the lack of surprise or resistance to this part of his plan. “Just like that. Very well. I will not destroy you.”

“Gotcha. Let’s go Google this stuff.”

“What is this Google you speak of?”

“It’s Google. It’s a little mainstream for my tastes. I prefer Bing, but you know how it is.”

Zyler did not know how it is. “Of course I know,” he lied. “ I wouldn’t be a super destruction, umm, God if I didn’t know.”

“Okay. Cool.”

A moment of silence followed. The two of them stood in the middle of the ketchup incantation circle. Many of the students avoided them, though it was probably more out of want to keep their shoes from getting the red condiment on them. “I demand you take me to the Google.”

“Right away. Do you have a phone?”

Zyler frowned. He quickly snatched the phone from the nearest student. The student acted rather indignant at having his phone snatched away from him. “Hey, what the hell, man?”

“Shut up. Your phone will be playing a major role in the end of the world as you know it. You should feel honored.”

“Fine, keep it. My dad will just buy me another.” The student threw up his hands and walked away.

“You don’t understand me!” Zyler threw back at him.

Hipster gremlin just watched the exchange. Zyler turned his attention back to the gremlin and handed him the phone. The gremlin inputted a few keystrokes. “Personally, I like flip phones more. They’re way more simple.”

“I don’t care. Just do it.”

“Fine, fine. Here you go. Transferring data from a floppy disk to a USB.”

Zyler took a look at the screen and proclaimed, “I’m a genius. The humans will know to fear me.”

A small time skip later, Zyler had transferred the data and was deciding on his first target. “Where shall I strike first?” He was in the library and saw the small alcove that Starbucks resided in. “There, where the humans receive the energy to function. Come, my minion. It is time to test my evil plan.” This was all rather loud and garnered numerous disapproving stares from everyone, but Zyler was used to it.

“Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha… Evil minion, why aren’t you joining me?”

The gremlin shrugged. “IDK, maybe, it’s YOUR evil plan, right. You are as bad as the one percent. Taking credit from everyone else. And I actually like Starbucks. It’s where I go to blog.”

Zyler decided that the gremlin was just complaining and not worth interrupting his evil laughter. He continued laughing until someone shushed him and then he brooded.

Riley McRell is a third-year student majoring in English writings track. He can be reached at RM825947@wcupa.edu.

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