How to get through college without learning anything

So, you want to go to college, but you’re worried you may actually learn something? Have no fear! In today’s grade-inflated academia, getting a degree does not require a great deal of scholarship. However, in order to get through post-secondary education, you have to know how to work the system.As a senior, I have observed the university system and its many flaws. I can help you in your quest for that coveted degree, but be careful! You don’t want to accidentally learn anything. The following ten tips will help you on your way towards earning a college degree while exerting as little effort as possible.

1. Attend only enough class to pass

Some professors take attendance regularly; others are too busy for the time-consuming roll call. Log on to ratemyprofessor.com and find out which ‘profs’ don’t take attendance. Talk to other career slackers in order to separate the good from the bad. Remember, as long as you complete the assignments, professors who don’t take attendance can’t penalize you for missing class.

2. Drink as much as possible

In case you accidentally learn a simple definition or equation from being in class once in a while, take time to kill those brain cells with some good old fashioned booze. Nothing kills the memory like a night of hard drinking. If you’re short on beer money, try getting to know one of the many fraternities on campus. Frats are liable to charge as little as $5 for an all-you-can-drink-memory-destroying night of debauchery. Say farewell to unwanted terms and equations!

3. Have you heard? Pay a Nerd!

Writing papers is often time-consuming and occasionally a learning experience. Believe it or not, some students actually enjoy writing! Become friends with someone who enjoys writing, preferably a nerdy fellow who majors in a writing-intensive discipline. Finding a nerdy friend can be difficult, but offering to take him out to parties will help establish a friendly relationship. Nerds typically feel underappreciated and underpaid, so offer the kid some cash for his services. Those with moral objections to plagiarism make poor targets.

4. Double-dip essays

For those unfamiliar with the term – and here you may actually learn a new term, so please refer to tip #2 – double-dipping is when a student recycles previous essays in new classes. Make sure to pick broad general topics that can be submitted in multiple classes. Beware of making the rookie mistake of neglecting to change the heading on the essay. Keep in mind, if you are tempted to rewrite or revise the old essay, you may accidentally learn something. Refer to tip #3 if you are having trouble finding essays.

5. Don’t read assignments!

I really can’t stress this enough. Professors assign reading for a good reason: reading is a learning experience. Avoid completing any reading assignment in any course because, chances are, you will unintentionally learn something. In the unfortunate event you are forced to read a novel, find the cliff notes. If you find yourself reciting famous lines from literature, refer to tip #2 to banish unwanted information.

6. Take time to criticize the professor

Professors are an egotistical bunch. If you find yourself failing a course, the professor is most likely at fault, but he or she may be unwilling to admit it. Take a few minutes before or after class to badmouth the professor with a group of peers who may be having a similar problem. You’ll find that a low grade is easy to swallow if you convince yourself the professor is the one to blame.

7. Sleep through class

If you’re taking tip #2 seriously, you will most likely be drunk every night. Although tip #3 encourages you to stay out of the classroom, try to sleep when you must attend class. Finding a desk in the back of the room is crucial in order for this tip to work. Consider growing your hair so that you may cover your eyes while you sleep. Also, a hat is never a bad idea. You’ll soon be catching up on desperately needed rest while gaining attendance points. This tip will also help you avoid the pitfall of class participation.

8. Never participate in class discussion

Discussing this tip would defeat its purpose.

9. Ignore extracurricular activities

While some may encourage you to get involved on campus, extracurriculars sometimes turn into learning experiences. Avoid them at all costs. Remember, fraternities and sororities count as extracurriculars, so if you can avoid pledging while still enjoying the bacchanalian benefits, please do so. Intramural sports can also teach teamwork, leadership, and a number of other unwanted qualities. If someone tempts you to join an extracurricular activity, criticize the person by calling him or her a nerd because only nerds get involved in anything extracurricular. The very term itself contradicts your ultimate purpose of getting through college while accomplishing the bare minimum.

10. Find a patsy study-buddy

At some point, you will have to take an exam. If you are following the tips closely you will probably not take any lecture notes. Find a study-buddy who takes good notes, and show up at his dorm room the night before a major exam. This patsy study-buddy may be the same nerd who writes essays for you. However, you may need to find a patsy for every class, so keep your eyes open for at least a few minutes at the start of class to find out who is taking detailed notes. Finding a study-buddy may prove difficult when you’re barely in class, so try to schedule classes with a friend who takes good notes. Offer to take the friend out for a night of hard drinking in exchange for his or her notes. Keep in mind, you may learn something from studying and test-taking, so make sure you adhere to rule #2.

Now that you are an official career slacker, take time to come up with some of your own tips for future generations. The list is by no means exhaustive, so feel free to add your own helpful hints as you journey towards mediocrity. If you’ve finished reading this, you may have learned something; however, these tips will help you take advantage of the system. Feel free to post the tips on your door because if you’re taking anything in this article seriously, you will most likely forget my advice. There will always be variables I may not have considered. Tip #6 can also apply to authors, so take time to criticize this article once you have finished. Once you have mastered the arts of college-slacking pass the knowledge to future generations. And try to remember, C’s get degrees too.

– Frank Fraser (Staff writer)