Sat. Oct 1st, 2022

If there’s one thing that I do well, it’s complaining. No one enjoys a good complaint more then yours truly. Any chance I get to spout off at the mouth about something; I’m there with bells on.

Vs. calls that loser Ales Hemsky “the most talented player in the NHL?” Oh boy. Clear out people because Mount Bellyache is about to go off and it doesn’t care if you know who Ales Hemsky is or not. You will feel its annoying, monotone wrath regardless.

How about if visionary director Zack Snyder decides to take a shot at “The Dark Knight?” Yup, that’s the visionary director who lacks any vision of his own. Needless to say, grumbling will ensue.

Yeah, I’ll complain about a lot of things, but even I have my limits.

I’m not going to complain about the economy because, as far as I can see, that’s part of the problem WITH the economy. Stop complaining, start spending. It’s easier said then done but it seems to work.

But let’s face it— I understand the economy about as much as Gary Bettman understands logic. Or reason. Or elementary- level business.

My economic ignorance aside, there is something that I do understand, and that is movies.

And there is one movie-related issue that I just won’t complain about. At least, I try not to. I’m not perfect like Ales Hemsky after all.

Lately, I’ve been combating the notion that a movie can be “too long.”

I’m not a fan of this idea.

For one thing, if I’m paying to see a movie in theaters, I want my money’s worth. Considering how much a ticket costs these days— 90 minutes just isn’t cutting it anymore.

If a movie needs to be two and a half hours to get its point across so be it. I don’t think we, as a society, can rant about movies being too long AND too expensive. If a movie lacks quality, well at least give me some quantity. I want my $10.50 to at least give me SOMETHING in return.

Granted, in a perfect world this wouldn’t even be an issue. Then again, in a perfect world Michael Bay wouldn’t be allowed to direct movies any more and Sidney Crosby wouldn’t be a Stanley Cup champion.

Back to my point, there is no way that Chris Nolan could have made “The Dark Knight” any shorter then its 152 minute run time. Not without losing something important, any way.

Besides, that film MOVES. And that brings us to what we SHOULD be complaining about. “The Dark Knight” is a perfect example of the ancient art of pacing.

Ah yes, I believe it was the Egyptians who first created pacing, describing it in detail in the form of hieroglyphics on the inside of the great pyramids.

Unfortunately, pacing, like the meaning of the Sphinx, has been lost to the ages.

Sure, a handful of filmmakers, like the aforementioned Nolan, still utilize it, but they are the exception, not the rule.

Peter Jackson and Judd Apatow are just a few of the very talented directors working today who don’t understand how to get a movie from point A to B without dragging their feet.

As much as I love Apatow, and taking into consideration that he really helped to create the modern comedy, the man’s films just don’t have much in terms of “rewatchability.”
The distant cousin to “drinkability,” rewatchability is the ability to watch a movie again and again and again.

And again.

“Terminator 2” (the best movie of all time) has the highest rewatchability of any movie ever. I’ve been watching it since I was a youngin’ and it never ceases to entertain.

Peter Jackson’s “Lord of the Rings” trilogy? Well, as great as they were. once was enough for me.

No seriously, keep those extended cut DVDs the heck away from me!

How about the “The Curiously Slow Case of Benjamin Button,” aka the most over-rated film of last year?

Was it too long? No, it was too slow! The plot moved at a pace that the Slowsky’s would envy. If anyone can explain to me why Tilda Swinton’s character was in the movie, other then— forgive me for this— to give Brad Pitt something to. errr. DO until he was sent to war.

Sounds crude, I know, but it’s the only explanation for why she was there. The movie’s main plot had to go on a coffee break just to squeeze her in.

So let’s get this straight people. Long films? Not the problem. Heck, bring ’em on! I’m not paying an arm and a leg to be entertained for the length of an episode of “Spongebob Square Pants.” I don’t mind being out of the house for a bit.

The real enemy here, as always, is Sidney Crosby. Whoops! Apologies. That just sorta slipped out.

No the real enemy is pacing and the filmmakers who don’t get it. Nothing can ruin a film more then lousy pacing. Sadly, like our big, nose-less pal down there in Egypt, how to properly move a movie along remains a bit of a mystery.

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