Fri. Jan 28th, 2022

Ok well it recently came to my attention that my blog was getting a wee bit blowhardy and a smidgen off-topic. Apparently, what had started as a movie blog had morphed into various manifestos on pop culture and the world of sports. Whoops. My apologies, but in no way was it my fault.

Actually it was totally my fault, but still I accept none of the blame.

I decided to remedy this unsavory situation by doing a little division, no easy feat for me as math is far from my strong point. The only thing I’m worse at then math is probably brevity. Also, hitting a baseball.

Did I mention listening?

I fear I’ve gotten off-topic, what were we discussing? Ah yes! Division. So, after I drew up a little division house and carried the seven— counting on BOTH my fingers and toes mind you— I came up with this solution:

“Tales from the Cineplex” will continue to appear over at and will continue— read: resume— bringing you movie news and I will try my darndest to keep it somewhere between pompous and windbag in terms of length.

No promises, however.

But what of my scrawling diatribes on hockey and life in general? Where should some punishment-seeking soul go to find those? Other then my home and places of business, that is.

And therein lies the reason that you are here. Welcome to the first ever edition of “Hold the Cheese.”

Yep, drink it in folks. This is truly a special moment. It’s like the first time you ever saw “Terminator 2.” If you’re anything like me it was at a very young age and the first time of MANY.

And I do mean many.

I’ll try and keep this entry brief, but I warn you there will be some rants ahead.

Hope you brought your life preservers and your sea legs because there are stormy seas on the horizon, I assure you of that.

As for the here and now, well I thought I would take a moment and address this column’s title— “Hold the Cheese.”

For those of you thinking this is some edgy guarantee to deliver you the whole truth and nothing but while cutting through the malarkey offered by the “traditional” media— well, you are sadly mistaken.

Even though it does work that way, so much so that I may start claiming that’s why I thought it up, my actual intentions are a bit less metaphoric.

The title literally means keep that cheese you are holding away from me.

See cheese— the food, that is— and I have a bit of a tumultuous relationship. We’re like Pamela and Tommy Lee but with less hairspray and tattoos.

I’m good with cheese on a lot of things, like pizza and the American standard grilled variety. I can eat mozzarella sticks and if I have a nacho clip, I’ll gladly dip it in a cup of the stuff.

Outside of that, all bets are off.

If I go to an Italian restaurant and they sprinkle cheese on my pasta, I will be greatly disappointed. I won’t send it back, mind you; I’ll just eat around it. I saw “Waiting.” I’m pretty sure I could find a truck tire in there and I would jut pretend that it was a giant meatball rather then send it back.

Also, who else out there has ever had to suffer the humiliation of ordering a “cheeseburger without the cheese.” Please, raise your hands my brothers and sisters! Don’t be shy— well.looks like it’s just me.

What’s the deal with that anyway? Why do like 75% of restaurants put only the cheeseburger on the menu? Isn’t the hamburger the standard design of the dish?

And don’t say to me: “just order the hamburger, you know they have it.” Who am I, the Queen of England? No, ordering off-menu is for the big deals of the world.

And while I may be close, I haven’t quite achieved big deal status yet.

How about cheesy bread from Domino’s? Yup, I’m totally there but don’t you even think about serving me that lasagna.

Mac and cheese? I’m a simple man yet this is a truly complex issue for me. This is my Middle East. The only answer I have for you is it depends on the mac and cheese. And the day. And possibly where the tide is at that particular moment.

I mean, I could go on for days about this. It really doesn’t make a lick of sense at all.

I really feel as though this would make a good science experiment. That’s why, when my days on this planet are over, I will be donating my body to the Dairy Farmers of America to study. It’s for the greater good after all.

The greater good.

What can I say? I’m just doing my part to help the world understand cheese. I’m not a hero, I’m just weird.

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