I love America. I was born here. I was raised here. And after a few divorces and a subsequent battle with alcoholism, I will eventually die here. Pound for pound, America is the best country on Earth. But holding this coveted position comes with a great deal of responsibility, the most important of which is being contemptuous of all other countries. It’s our duty as good Americans to constantly remind ourselves and others how much non-U.S. countries suck. For the most part, we’ve done one helluva job. Take France for example. A+ America, we really put those toads in their place. Russia kind of did our job for us. Thanks, Russia, maybe we’ll forgive you for Communism. Ha, just joking; we’ll always hang that over your furry hat-wearing heads. And ever since my favorite president, Harry Truman, showed Japan who’s the boss in ’45, well, the world has pretty much fallen in line, with one exception…
England. Yeah, I wrote it and you read it. England. Tea and crumpets, big red buses, Hugh Grant, poor dental hygiene and all that jazz. (Footnote: English people don’t believe in jazz, probably because we invented it. What a bunch of petty little crybabies. Sorry, England, sorry we invented jazz. Jesus, get over yourselves.).
Now, everyone knows that we Americans are inherently kind and compassionate, but we’ve really given theses prissy islanders a free ride on the U.S. bandwagon for far too long. We love fairness and democracy in America. Therefore, the only fair and democratic thing to do is view England the way we rightfully view everyone else — inferior.
It wasn’t bad enough that a country with the strongest navy in the world and pretty much unlimited firepower got their asses handed to them by a bunch of illiterate hicks whose leading commander grew opium and philandered with slaves, but then they had the gall to return a couple decades later, in 1812, to take the country back. Well, England, in the good ‘ol U-S-of-A we call that being an Indian giver, and we frown upon that. Why do you think we slaughtered all the Indians? Manifest Destiny? Hardly.
Brian Fudge is a student at Boston University